A few excerpts from my favorite book right now: Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist
"Bittersweet is the idea that in all things there is both something broken and something beautiful, that there is a sliver of light on even the darkest of nights, a shadow of hope in every heartbreak, and that rejoicing is no less rich when it contains a splinter of sadness... Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth and complexity. Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy, earthy."
I have read those words many times in the past few months. The revelation I had in the previous post occurred sometime towards the beginning of summer. It took quite sometime to even write that last post. There is something scary about realizing and then sharing your shortcomings. But I was excited and looking forward to change and becoming who I want to be. And there is the problem. Me. I. The desire to change was based in what I think and desire for myself. And even though it wasn't official, I had a timeline for when I wanted these changes to occur. I figured I'd be done by now. But sometime in August, I had this little crisis of faith. Did I really believe what I said and thought I did? And if I did believe it, did I want to? It took a couple of awkward Sundays at church and a few talks with Josh and others to realize I do believe it, and I want to believe it. But my desires and thoughts about myself and who I want to be, as well as my timeline don't matter. If I really want to experience the changes I have been so desperately longing for, I need to give myself over completely to the one who created me and knows me as I am now and what I could be in time if I let him work in and change me.
But change is scary. To me it's one of the most scary things. You see, I am a person who desires control. I like planning, and lists and the idea of getting a new calendar/organizer thrills me! I like neat little boxes with dates and times, and neat little check marks next to those things on my to-do lists. I like being in control of where I go and when, the things I choose to be involved in and how I am feeling. But being in control is exhausting, and clearly, I am not very good at it if I have become the sarcastic, pessimistic, and scared person I am now. I still want to change. But I now realize that I have absolutely no idea how to do it. There is another book I read once that really fits where I am now. It's called Hinds Feet on High Places. The main character, Much Afraid, lives in the valley of Humiliation but works for the Chief Shepherd. She so desires to journey to the High Places, but is lame and has a crooked mouth. The Chief Shepherd invites her to the High Places anyway, just as she is. He tells her the journey will be difficult, and that to reach the final destination, she must change and be given a new name. So Much Afraid, along with her companions Sorrow and Suffering, travel through the Great Precipice of Injury, Forests of Danger, the Valley of Loss and finally to Place of Anointing and the Healing Streams where she washes her former self away and the High Places where she receives her new name.
High places are bittersweet. In order to get to the high places, and to fully appreciate them, you have to journey through the low places. The low places can be sad and scary, and they can make you bitter. But it is the low places that offer an opportunity for growth. The high places are sweet because we experience the bitterness of the lows.
"This is what I've come to believe about change: it's good, in the way that childbirth is good, and heartbreak is good, and failure is good. By that I mean it's incredibly painful, exponentially more so if you fight it, and also that is has the potential to open you up, open life up, to deliver you right into the palm of God's hand, which is where you wanted to be all along, except that you were too busy pushing and pulling your life into exactly where you thought it should be."
So here I am. Acknowledging that God has blessed me with many high places and many opportunities for growth in the low places. I want to be in the palm of His hand, but I have fought the chance to learn and grow almost every time. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to change, but into the person God would want me to be, not just because I think I need it or want it. I am on a journey to the High Places.
"When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow."
Through the highs and lows, bitter and sweet, this is my goal.
